Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Of Breaking Houses & Hearts

It has been a quite long time since I thought of this topic to become one of the most wanted and famous art of WORDS as well as THOUGHTS. This, being one of the common applicable subjects of every human in this Universe, I had the plans to complete my research and then pen them down for others. Though I still observe and try to find the exact gist of the subject “Of Breaking Houses & Hearts”, I guess I have to tweak my earlier plan and start jotting down experiences out of my observation as and when I feel; who knows on the way I might end-up finding a solution to this subject. As the name suggests, this topic would primarily focus on the breaking of relationship that leads to home and then finally, the heart. I have made the best efforts to put my observation on the current society and its relationships thereby highlighting the key pain areas that lead to breaking of lives in seconds. At the same time, it is out of my own experience, I have also tried to provide some suggestions that would at least help us in avoiding the sad stories.

To start the topic, let me flash my memory back to a very early age when I was too young to understand some common incidents in life; one of such incidents used to be hearing that there is a fight in the house of our rickshaw puller who used to drop us in school those days. One thing which I could not digest was accepting that the rickshaw puller was beating his wife every evening; like a child, I used to ask mum about this. The tenderness of childhood could accept any response from mum and things would go on. Then, I always used to think over the incident every now and then. But today, when I remember those observations, I have many answers to those tender questions. Is it because I have become older? Thinking over it makes me even more confused because every young man does not think like me; so what is the exact reason of such observations? I name it “Experience” through observation which brings about the matureness and it's through this background that I want to start the topic “Of Breaking Houses & Hearts”.

Gone were the days when domestic violence had only a few reasons and the principal of them was no doubt money which were followed by excessive drinking while driving the vehicle of life, conservativeness and sometimes the underdeveloped minds. We used to hear about all these only once or twice a year and still we used to ignore them and continue the saga of life. Cometh the new generation, the so-called IT evolution world with night-shifts, team outing, customer meeting etc, and cometh the new world of domestic violence which I would prefer naming “Of Breaking Houses & Hearts” because of couple of reasons: it breaks the whole house and being a romantic I would also add HEART break in this line. We have a complete new set of reasons these days and you keep on counting them but the list just does not end. Hence, here I would try to bring in those reasons of a breaking house through simple observations on the modern day couple outset.

  1. Ego Clash: This stands out to be the most irritating monster of today’s beautiful husband and wife. When I think of this term, I always remember the way few couples of the previous generation handled it. They would have their individual ego on a subject but they would never make it a point to start comparing themselves on the same. One will be proud of the other’s strengths and they will be equally supporting in cases of weaknesses. This could happen because they had tremendous closeness and they could not think of living away from each other for a second. But today, couples just hang around the ego thing so closely that their emotional attachment becomes a question. This is where one starts commenting on the other for everything with a self-comparison. In these situations, there is always an attempt to convince the other about how better it is from the other in all aspects. Although, one of the partners in these cases tries to ignore all these with a hope that time will heal the difference but it never happens. Hence, ignoring such things is never the right treatment. If we were in the older generation, we could have at least given a chance but in today’s, we can’t even think of because today’s people know and understand their rights, social stature, self respect and many which is why there is never a case of “Let it go” in either of them.

    Solution: So how do we cure this disease? It may not be as simple as it sounds but I name it SELF REALIZATION. The partner who is not willing to understand the outcome of the so-called “Me”, “Mine”,”Myself” in every little gesture of life cannot get out of it. When he/she is able to realize this early, life is the same beautiful always. So, egoistic view is good up to some extent. Each partner has to be extra careful of not crossing this boundary. If it constantly brings in differences between the couple, it has to be discussed upfront and the mutual understanding has to be followed throughout. I have seen many young couples using it as a nice way to tease each other for some time and even there are couples who just cannot take it. So, the best thing for the second type is just to discuss and find the mutual point of understanding.

  2. Lack of Openness: I don’t remember a successful couple in my life who is not open to each other on the basic aspects of life. I do accept, there will be few hidden truths but those will not stand as a hindrance to the relationship. Even I have live examples of couples who discuss on all tricky decisions in life and ensure mutual understanding before one really executes the action; tricky I mean the financial decisions which might well be affecting their futures or a professional change which is so important to living. Again as I had explained previously, the older generation was simple and they had comparatively less complicated life styles and thus decisions were few but still a husband or wife would sit down first and mutually discuss those before executing. Most of the people will agree that such tricky decisions of the older generation were primary on “Money Matters”. I have come across many couples who had been supporting their parental home even after getting married and having entered into a new family i.e. their own children and spouse. This was one of the greatest Karmas that the older generation had been doing for ages for which I would always salute. Even as I say this, both the husband and wife were equally aware of such contributions. Come the new IT generation and the couples. There is no end to tricky things in life; you name it and our present couples have it. From the boundaries of “Money Matters”, our couples have jumped into things like an old affair, a truth of young age with regard to education, a physical discrepancy which is not visible in the open eye, extra-marital affair, profession related truths, and the list just goes on. Hiding these truths is not that difficult for today’s couples. Although, many would argue that the above situations are so tricky that sharing with your better half would mean a break in the relationship anyway. But I would completely disagree that hiding them would help either. In fact, to me, hiding would mean more of suspicion in the partner’s eyes which would eventually become more and more complicated as life goes on. It’s the same lesson that we had been taught throughout our life; starting from the days when the teacher used to force us to speak the truth early whether it’s about a crime or just a good Karma. Even today, in our professions, we are told to trigger the button early i.e. tell the fact up front to ensure no further damage. We are never fired for such things. There are certain things which can be completely buried in the old memories if those have no place in the new relationship or if those are not going to affect the relationship in the future. But certain tricky things like an old affair must be shared with the partner in order to gain the confidence.

    Solution: Unlike the previous solution, this is little complex. Well, when a partner decides to share something tricky, there has to be a simple analysis: is the subject becoming an issue in the relationship or is it going to be a discussion point in the distance future that might end the relationship? If the above two are considered positive, then the suggestion would be to share the subject with the better half without further delay and come to a mutual conclusion. I am more than confident that an early such discussion might become a decision of life-time between the partners and this could as well become the stepping stone of trust between the couple. At the same time the guy/girl must also consider the subject carefully while commenting or arguing while being in the confession session. If the subject is pertaining to a monetary help to kith and keen or physical help to close people of any good Karma from which the partner gets tremendous self-satisfaction, the other partner should be careful that such actions by the better half should not be the base for any hindrance to the relationship. But, if the subject is with regard to an extra-marital relationship or a topic that is affecting the physical relationship, it has to be brought to the right medium and with a positive sense to ensure it does not hurt any emotion. In these cases, it is a must that the couple should approach a counselor or a doctor to cure the disease early and allow a smooth living.

  3. External Influence: I have observed many a cases through understanding the truth of husband-wife relationships, couples more often or not get influenced by external factors or forces or people which in 90% of places become the biggest hindrance in the smooth relationship. I, even get surprised that the same influence is used to solve problems in husband and wife; be it the parents of either parties, or siblings or even a friend. While I know, parents are the best solution identifiers but I would put them under the rest 10% when it comes to being a hindrance in their children's life. The first biggest mistake the couples do is to look early for alternatives through external factors followed by the ultimate alternative of finding their individual ways and part permanently. No parent or friends or siblings can solve a problem that has risen between a couple. It starts with the two and must always end at the two. They always must keep in mind that there are more ill-wishers than well-wishers in life and a small spark that goes out from them can eventually get converted to real fire by the bad-wishers. The intentions of the ill-wishers can be multi-dimensional. Some could be looking at defaming, some could be looking to separate them so they can eye on having a relation which may be a hidden intention in the form a friend, or even few may be looking for some financial or corporate benefits and of course some who would be looking at the egoistic angle. So, we see, it's a different ball game for different parties and at the cost of whom; a sweet relationship. Apart from the influences of living beings, there are also few non-living entities that influence bitterness in a relationship like "Money", "bad habit i.e. liquor, smoking, physical relation with someone other than the better-half", "lack of seriousness to earn for running the house or no job", etc.

    The simple solution is "TRUST" and "COMMITMENT TO THE RELATIONSHIP". It has to be so strong between the two that at no point neither of them can open their secrets (the weakness in the relationship) to anyone; be it parents, siblings, friends etc. First and foremost, the solution to a problem must first be searched through themselves. They must need to find/analyze the root of the problem and resolve it mutually. While doing it, the individual interests must be withdrawn by both; after-all, it's about a relationship, the way to keep it alive and run it through the passage of time. They both must know that the decisions they make during this session will either fix or break their upcoming relationship and I say "BREAK", because even though they can sort for help from parents and a really trustworthy friend, they are actually taking a chance because your best secrets can most often be hidden by yourself and not a third person (first and second being you and your spouse). If, this session does not help, they may in mutual consent look for their best TRUSTWORTHY person in life but after a careful observation. The homework of observation must have been done through the passage of the past and I guess many of us who are matured enough would know whom they can share their secrets with. Having said that, I suggest, at no point of time should the couples allow external factors to decide what they should do with their relationship. Couples need to be so much committed to the relationship that any bad habit which may have developed during the course of some frustration can be made to end. I repeat, you can bring an end to anything, if only, you are serious about keeping the relationship alive throughout. No living or non-living influences can break your closeness with your spouse unless you want it.
  4. Lack of Mutual Respect: This is the most vital to retain a relationship; be it between two friends or couple. I remember a famous line that was taught during the "Software Testing" course: "if you show me your's, I will show you mine". Not just girls but every human mind runs on the same logic. So, Mutual Respect works very much in the similar way. If you show respect to the other, the other would do the same when it comes to a husband-wife relationship. But unfortunately, today, we see majority of couples miss this basic needs of relationship. Either, one of them would have it or none of them have it. They give much higher preference to their Self-respect at the cost of the mutual one. To me, Self-respect should never take prevalence over everything in an understanding couple because there is nothing to lose and nothing to gain since a win means a loss to the relationship. Another aspect on this subject is about each other's families. Mutual respect should just not be limited to two persons but it should be applied across both families which in most cases is missing in today's generation.

    : Like the others, it is also very simple. "Give Respect to him/her and his/her family and Take Respect from him/her and his/her family". Let me reiterate, there is nothing lost if you follow this simple step because by doing it, at least you will gain a lot of mental peace. The couples always need to remember few things on the subject of respect: knowing what it feels to be respected/disrespected and it's impact on each other's families. Being respected feels really GREAT; ask anyone in this world and the answer would be affirmative. But to know how it feels to be disrespected, you need to be at the receiving end of the blame game. Coming to the other thing to remember, when you disrespect the other or his/her family members, you are alternatively disrespecting your own spouse and your family members. Never ever expose the weaknesses or even pin-point unnecessarily on your spouse's family members because by doing it, you are actually exposing yourself and your own hidden characters if others are not already aware of it. To me, during this blame game, the other partner's role becomes vital because a little support from his/her, it can completely ruin both family's respect to each other. The boy should always take responsibility and accountability in preserving the respect of his family members and the girl must do the same for her family members. Above all, there should always be a FINE-LINE between what to comment and what not to on your in-laws and that has to be drawn by the couple in the initial days of the relationship.
  5. Lack of Time "and" LOVE: If one thing that can solve a bitter husband-wife relation, it will be of course the amount of time that one gives to the other; be it at the cost of societal status or fame or even money. This is perhaps the biggest reason of break-ups today not just in common lives but even life at the biggest of stages like entrepreneurs, actors, famous doctors/lawyers and many more. Each one is busy on his/her life and none cares about their mutual lives. The life, couples spend without each other has expanded highly and hence, the involvement has diminished quite a long way. They have slowly become unknown to each other in the basic/minute things which counts a lot in husband-wife relationships. With lack of quality time spent with his/her better-half, if one forgets the likes/dislikes, important dates in the calendar or choices of his/her better-half, nothing more can help the relationship to stand; it's mere a social recognition. So, what else? The obvious last: LOVE. With lack of time comes lack of involvement, understanding and feeling which give rise to LACK OF LOVE or NO LOVE. With lack of all the above, each one looks for alternatives; perhaps, a new emotional attachment in a place where one spends more time.

    Solution: It is nothing new. Give quality time to each other at all cost; Wherever possible, take that important additional step/initiative that gives your relation an extra moment to spend with each other. Being in a sector like IT where everybody is expected to give quality time at job, I have learned the biggest lesson. You would need only 4/5 hours of quality time at job to finish the day's task. However, I have realized, many do not accomplish this because of time mis-management or priority mis-management. And I guess, the same holds good in most of the other sectors. All you need is to manage your time-table and priority which will lead you to an early evening snacks. With this effective time-management, the amount of time spent with your spouse increases and you are able to further know each other much better. Couples just need this basics to understand; with lack of time, you have less moments with your better-half and more time with somebody at your workplace which often puts you on the wrong path. 

No comments: